Motherhood in National Security and Defense (speech notes)
Motherhood in National Security and Defense by Candice E. Frost
How to
maintain your sanity as a professional, spouse, and mother during a highly
tumultuous period in the nation's history. Perspectives given on motherhood
during children's infancy, preschool, elementary school, middle school and high
school.
Wonderful
women in national security and defense, welcome to mothering in chaos…feels
like episode 5,000
Motherhood
is a high cost/ high reward activity
I
received, “What to Expect when you’re expecting” by three people. I then asked,
where’s the next edition, “When to Expect for the rest of their lives”?
First
thing you can check out is Love Rutledge’s “FedUpward” podcast, especially
episode 40, and her facebook page FedUpward parents
I also
appreciated her appro contextualize this time frame as “Wakadoodle” when it
comes to finding childcare.
During
the months of March and April mother’s work hours fell 4-5 times as much as
fathers. Women scaled back 5% or approximately 2 hours
Professional: Effect of motherhood on a profession that
requires constant updates on intelligence, news and other information
on pertinent topics. Knowing and forming policy, providing recommendations,
along with meetings now almost all virtual with colleagues from various
offices, departments and agencies. Oh and of course, current events — within
our borders and beyond — can dramatically throw any schedule out the window.
“Before,
I didn't quite get it. I did not really get how hard it is to succeed at work
when you are overwhelmed at home...Being a mother is the most important—and
most humbling—job I've ever had."—Sheryl Sandberg
Tasks
that had been outsourced to schools, grandparents, nannies and sitters are now
falling squarely on parents and disproportionately on mothers.
Back up
to the back up to the back up. Look for like-minded individuals with similar
circumstances, it won’t be easy but they are out there
Less is
more, give yourself a break
Innovation
of AF Jacque Vasta “Kinder spot” – AF application should be live and roll out
Feb 2021 for spots at military child care centers, there’s a Facebook business
page – go and give it a big thumbs up
Spouse:
You’re
not alone if you’re noticing conflict. Disagreements increase after babies are
born. Children generate more arguments than any other subject – more than
money, more than work, more than in-laws
For
those of you who battled infertility, it took such an arduous path just to get
here
When a
child enters the picture the workload explodes exponentially and rules rearding
who does what falls into disarray. Items like the chore war, division of labor,
GIVING AND RECEIVING OF GRATITUDE
Fellowship
with other adults – Putnam’s book “Bowling Alone” references the shrinking
civic participation, dwindling neighborhood ties, death of the “pop-in” culture
(think Seinfeld and Elaine headed into Jerry’s house)
Get a
babysitter once every two weeks, or whatever is feasible, and go out together.
It doesn't have to be fancy. Even a trip to the bookstore will help the two of
you remember what it's like to be adults together.
Single
motherhood – me for a half decade. Data shows that single Moms report having
too little time for themselves than their married peers, multitasking most of
the time
Infancy:
Report
from 1957 – peak time for the nuclear family - Loss of sleep (esp during early
months), chronic tireness or exhaustion; extensive confinement to home and the
resulting curtailment of their social contacts; additional washing; guilt at
not being a “better” mother; long hours and seven day week necessary for caring
for an infant; worry over their appearance (increased weight after pregnancy)
Most
radical transformation once a child is born: sense of autonomy (gets entirely
upended) and our marriages
Missing
sleep, “Eating great meals, having sex or sleeping…I miss most sleeping”
#Breastfeeding:
the Navy had provisions for me to be able to take ample breaks and pump breast
milk for my daughter. Fortunately, by keeping my chain of command in the loop
on what my plans were, I had the support I needed to pump several times a day
and even nurse my daughter inside the building’s Mother’s Room. Remember that
many hospitals, not just those serving the military, offer postpartum
breastfeeding support classes and help if you are struggling. Advocate for
yourself and your baby.
Daycare
options (successes and failures): Necessity of your network. Back up to the
back up to the back up (three layers)
Influence
what you can – give up Martha Stewart perfection
Outsource
what you can afford, cooking (had one in company command), grocery shopping,
laundry….ladies you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do
Otherworldly
feeling when your child looks into your eyes and recognizes you
Toddler / Preschool: On average mothers gave a command and told their child “no”
or fielded a request (often unreasonable or in a whining tone) every three
minutes. Their children, in turn, obeyed on average only 60 percent of the
time.
Why,
why, why, why….
Story of
Kate at daycare throwing a fit (Ft. Leavenworth)
Stretches
of boredom and anxiety: The park swing, Mom, mum, mum, mum (“Family Guy”)
and then waking up anxious that they’d been
kidnapped or hit by a car
Divided
attention at home between watching another episode of their favorite TV to
working on a critical document for national security – I used to dream about having
another me. Just xerox me and that person can do the mothering, I’ll do the
working.
Singing
at the top of your lungs – dancing in the living room
Children
sleeping, innocence
Unique
pleasures very young children bring
Critical
tipping point at the 6-11 years in service for military Moms. This is where we’re
digging into our careers
Absolute
joy in seeing them walk, talk, and hearing the first click of a seat belt…that
was joy
Elementary School: Immense pressure to prepare children for an increasingly
competitive world.
Afternoon
and weekends into extracurricular activities: Over-scheduled parents.
Hyper-parenting reflects new sense of confusion and anxiety about the future
Psychology
of any arms race: opportunity cost of not enrolling their children in loads of
extracurriculars is too great. The participants would love not to play but not
playing, in their minds, is the same as falling behind.
Parroting
back everything you do to others. Battalion Commander and my kids would look at
me, check out the look on my face when the phone rang on the weekend and say, “Is
it a DUI, did someone get arrested, or did someone try and kill themselves”…imagine
the shock hearing this from the mouths of babes.
Those in
cleared jobs – the curiosity and watching what you say
NurtureShock:
to why it's important to get your kid to bed early even if it means you miss
time with them (unlike adults their brains grow while they sleep)
“Very
early on, I explained it to them—they went to school, I went to work. We each
had our own obligations, our responsibilities and when we met at night, we
would exchange our experiences."—Diane von Furstenberg
Teaching
chores
Coaching
soccer games, cheering for them to cross the finish line
Best
years 8-12 – like the golden age of parenting. You’re still cool to hang with
and the kids are independent enough
Middle School: Adolescent years, you’ll feel sometimes like you’re in survival mode
Delegate
chores: Chef Tom, Laundress Kate
Plan,
plan, plan – meals and activities
“Middle
School Matters” everything from homework to raising kids to be resilient and
kind
Trying
to raise children for lives that will look nothing like they do today
Technology
– video games provide great opportunity for flow – they provide structure and rules;
offer feedback, telling players how well they’ve done.
Adults
and teenagers with cell phones. Tracking devices of cell phones with each other
(Instagram, group texting) Connected all the time. Xfinity does a great job
with the ability to turn off devices in the house via their app (Xfi) and track
my iPhone used to hunt them down…I mean ensure they’re safe
Homework
became the new dinner. COVID-19. Dinner became the new dinner
Strength
and structural integrity to one’s life through meaning
Values
stay the same…that’s your gift
High School:
A brave
new world. You are the harness on their wild ride of a roller-coaster –
adolescent brains
Time
spent with family rapidly decreases. Grades 5-8 and again at 9-12. Proportion
of waking hours that children spend with their families dropped from 35 to 14%
Feels
like the pit crew or checking up on children via text (on the Metro)
Ingratitutde
is one of the biggest heartaches of child-rearing. Shakespeare’s famous line
from King Lear “How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless
child.”
Ingratitude
with a dash of contempt
One
parent is the softie and one is the disciplinarian
Dramatic
discontinuity – destabilizing dynamics, rituals and well maintained hierarchy
(Benevolent dictator)
The
defiance, the arguments BUT they need you to listen. They also need you to
teach them it’s not all about them
Teach
empathy – context of current events; No means No; Raising someone to question
the way things were done is a good thing
Your
greatest conversations will happen in the car or on the Metro or on the bus
Gives us
legacy
Sourced
Documents:
·
Jennifer Senior’s “All Joy and No Fun”
·
Phyllis
L. Fagell “Middle School Matters: The 10 Key Skills Kids Need to Thrive in
Middle School and Beyond--and How Parents Can Help”
·
Po
Bronson and Ashley Merryman “NurtureShock: New Thinking About Children”
·
Putnam
“Bowling Alone”
Podcasts:
·
FedUpward
by Love Rutledge
·
HBR
Women at Work
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